My Novel Critiqued
June 8, 2011A DISTANT RUMBLE: A CRITIQUE
The Current Title – How catchy is it? How well does it convey the information in the manuscript?
“A Distant Rumble” is a fascinating title that is sure to arouse the curiosity of potential readers. A subtitle such as “Mysteries in Time” might further draw readers to delve into the adventure.
The Current Synopsis – How catchy is it? Does it intrigue?
The opening of the synopsis immediately grabs the attention of the reader with compelling action and a tangible description of the story's Pacific island locale. Protagonist Dezarae and her devotee Deric are introduced with equal appeal and credibility, promising the reader physical and emotional adventures with a surprise ending of spiritual gain. The synopsis is sure to draw enthused publishers and intrigue fans of Christian romance novels.
What is the power of the opening 3-5 sentences?
“Mt. Waialeale rumbled with a vengeance. Hot ash and fire spewed from its massive crater and darkened the sky. The entire island of Kauai shook with tremors as molten lava poured down the mountainside. Three hundred miles away on the other side of the island an archaeological team scrambled from a dig site.... Dezarae Collins, the young archaeologist was gone.”
The heart pounding action and vivid land description in these opening sentences are a magnetic draw to the what and why of the story. The reader is impelled to learn not only the object of the search, which shortly proves to be underground, but the reason why those who search are in that place.
Dialogue (if any) – Describe and comment.
Dezarae's determined, ongoing inner dialogue, or “whispers of the mind,” as she is trapped alone in an underground cave reveals her steadfast personality and background. She relentlessly spurs herself: Come on Dez. You’ve got to find something to keep yourself occupied. You don’t want to pass out.
Dialogue above ground between her mother and Hawaiian officials, and finally Deric, dramatically show the multi-leveled intensity of the archaeological crisis:
“This is Captain Iokepa of the Honolulu Police Dept. I’m sorry madam, but I need you to meet me at the airport right away. I have just been informed that your daughter has been in an accident. I am sending a patrol car to pick you up.” His voice was calm, but Sidney [Dezarae's mother] could sense the urgency in his words.
Dialogue between other leading characters are stirring and informative, especially in the transitions between various frames of time.... “'The Captain has sent a patrol car for me, and he’s flying with me. I won’t be alone. I have to go. I think I hear the sirens.' Tears poured down her porcelain cheeks as she fumbled trying to replace the cordless device on the charger....”
Even the unspoken “dialogue” in an ancient journal that Dezarae finds in the cave where she is trapped vividly presents a similar ordeal by historian Donna Higgins who was lost in the same cavern nearly fifty years earlier:
“Most of these passages lead back to one major cavern, so I’m sure I will find the way. The lava tunnel opening was larger than we first anticipated. I swam for what seemed like forever with the waterfall pushing me forward. Now, I have found calm water and a dry bank to rest on....
“What excites me more than the geological rock formations is the evidence that someone lives down here. There’s a fire pit dug out of the rock in the corner, and the rock bed I was laying on has an old blanket on it. I will write more when I find evidence to support my theory....”
Donna's life struggle and her startling discovery of a diminutive people living in the cave and a long-lost ocean liner, as well as her grief in an impending lost love, are made palpable to Dezarae as she reads Donna's journal.
And Dezarae's frequent intimate dialogues with God throughout her adventure are sure to encourage readers to their own closer relationship with the Lord.
Mechanics – Grammar, spelling and punctuation:
The mechanics of the story are on target and should need minimum refinement.
Mechanics – Formatting:
Transitioning from one time segment to another in the story is made easy for the reader by the author's well thought-out formatting.
Conclusion:
“Whispers of the Mind” is a gripping story of romance and adventure told on a strong, but not preachy, Christian foundation. The author's extensive research on archaeological processes and the islands of Hawaii make the story as believable as a non-fiction account. Each character is built equally believable with traits of weaknesses and strengths.
In an epilogue, Dezarae begins writing her own journal:
“I believe God had His hand on me. I could not [otherwise] have survived three days in total darkness without any food. I truly believe God has a divine plan [for each of us], whether we can see it or not. My experience caused many people to accept Christ as their Savior and strengthened the faith of many more....
“...Life is peaceful right now, but I can’t wait for my next adventure. I truly believe 'With God all things are possible.'”
Dezarae's hope for the future is sure to create enthused fans of “more to come.”
~ Reta Stewart Allen
Posted by Amanda J. Barke.
